Bullying is getting a lot of attention again. From the suicides of 15 year-old Phoebe Prince and 11 year-old Carl Walker Hoover, to the murder of college student Yeardley Love and to the legislatures responses to this age-old problem, there is a much needed push to understand and deal with the power dynamics of bullying and aggression. It’s a problem that hits our homes as well.
My 5-year old nephew, for example, came home complaining for a week straight of three boys bullying him along with other students in his class. The specifics included pushing, spitting and verbal teasing.
His teacher’s response was a perfect example of what NOT to do. It was Minimizing, Justifying and Blaming the Child who brought up the situation. I do not mean to denigrate this teacher…her response was all too common. We can, though, learn from it.
My husband in particular was appalled at the teacher’s e-mails about the bullying. He’s an Expert in Bully Prevention, and has helped hundreds of families at the Martial Arts Academy deal with this societal problem in a way that empowers all people involved. This post is a modified version of his write-up of the unfolding scenario, using pseudonyms.
Alison’s inquiry e-mail asked whether the teacher was aware of this “bullying behavior.” It, perhaps mistakenly, did not include specifics of what her son Zander was reporting to her and his dad regularly. The teacher merely stated that Zander “has had issues with” two boys in the class. She, too, did not ask for specifics from the mom – nor did she honor Zander and his mom’s concerns. The teacher also stated that “nothing seemed outrageous to her,” and that “she wouldn’t call it bullying.” Accurate definitions of Bullying aside, the teacher’s response was an all-too-common response of Minimization. The first question this mom can ask is, “what do you consider outrageous?” The teacher, after all, is making a judgment of what is acceptable behavior at a time when a child is coming to an adult for help because something does not feel okay with him. An appropriate response is to honor his feelings, not blow them off.
We have a rule during training in our school. The person who is hit is the judge if the contact was too hard, regardless of how hard the other person thinks he hit him. Pain, physical or emotional, is subjective and we have to give the recipient the respect that he knows how much something hurts. We can then work to increase tolerance from there, or re-frame the situation in teasing situations.
Clearly, that is not the case at my nephew’s school… a school with a $16K a year price tag. Problems like this are not supposed to happen at an elite private school. Ya right! Bullying crosses all socio-economic sectors; it knows no boundaries (other than what a victim or potential victim insists upon). It doesn’t just happen in middle school, nor does it only happen between boys. But back to my story. This teacher did not only minimize the situation; she also Blamed the Victim and Justified the bullying behavior…..More on The Power Dynamics of Bullying and Aggression – How to Help Your Child Help Him/Herself in tomorrow’s post. At this point, let me just leave you with these key reminders:
1. Two questions to ask your child’s teacher in regards to bullying is this: What do you consider acceptable behavior? What do you consider outrageous?
2. The person who is “hit” (metaphorically and literally) is the judge if the contact is too hard. This goes for Sparring in a karate class, or so-called everyday teasing on the schoolyard.
3. Children and teens ARE often on their own – no matter how much we as parents do not want to admit this fact. Adults are not always around, and they don’t always see the bullying, or they minimize it. Fortunately, there are ways to help our children help themselves (more on these tips in the next posts….one hint: walk with confidence, even if you have to fake it.).
I wonder sometimes how equipped teachers are to deal with the bullying situations. The principal’s at my son’s school seem to do a pretty good job. These are good points brought up in the post. The victim being the judge is something I’m going to incorporate both with my son’s bullying situation and in fights between siblings too.