“Queen Bees & Wannabes”

Book tours are taking on a new life of their own. Last night, I had the pleasure of participating in Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannabes book tour at Girls Inc. in Denver.  Talk about practicing what you preach – Rosalind was phenomenal.  She guided mothers and daughters into a space where they could talk freely with one another about what worried them, who they want as their allies, and what it looks like to confront a peer (or each other) with information about what the person’s doing that bothers you, and hurts you.  The daughter had a minute to speak; the mother had a minute to speak.  They were not allowed to interrupt each other.  It was time to listen…and then share.

As far as listening goes, Rosalind gave some great tips for moms. When your daughter starts talking and talking at home or in the car, for example, or even if she starts yelling or crying in her bedroom with you, then you may want to ask your daughter “are you venting or do you want advice?”  I loved that suggestion.  Listening well to your daughter may require a simple question on your part – eight words to speak out loud, and that’s all.  Are you venting, or do you want advice?  Love that.

A few other highlights:

• Rosalind’s tips about apologies.  Apologies are essential in a friendship.  But empty apologies – ones that are forced or merely go through the motions – are just that, empty, and thus offer nothing for healing a wound.  Rosalind spoke of a middle school girl who aptly said that you know you have a true friend when you can trust her apology. “Thank you for the apology” was a line Rosalind suggested we say in response to a friend’s apology. Making this statement instead of saying the all-too-common “that’s okay” or “don’t worry about it” tells the other person that what s/he did that hurt you was not okay.  It doesn’t give this person an easy out.  And as my friend Debbie said to me while debriefing the presentation: it also doesn’t let you, the recipient of the apology, off the hook. You accepted the apology, which indicates that you are committed moving on and thus will not hold the infraction against your friend (or brother, or colleague, or whoever) forever.
• Rosalind’s definition of and belief in Champions:  “A champion treats other people with dignity, especially when it’s hard.  They include others, stand up for others, admit mistakes, treat people with dignity when they’re angry, and can apologize sincerely.” The notion of dignity was an important theme woven throughout the interactive presentation….and is a key principle of ScholarFit.  It’s about feeling worthy, being worthy, having your voice heard.  It’s about pride and self-respect.
• The news that about 70% of the recently released updated edition of Queen Bees and Wannabees is NEW content – thanks to the virtual world in which our daughters (and sons) are growing up in.  Smear campaigns on Facebook, for example, did not exist when Wiseman first wrote Queen Bees and Wannabees – neither did texting in schools, e-mails that can be altered and forwarded to others, nor cell phones with cameras.  I’m excited to read this new edition.  I loved it when it first came out in 2002, and am bound to find this new edition just as informative and insightful as the first.

In addition, I appreciated the time to be with my own daughter last night, spread out on a blanket in the back of the gym as Wiseman not only spoke about girls navigating the social demands of school….but also prompted girls and moms to do the same.  I was with Petra who is only 4 months old, so we didn’t exactly have a heart-to-heart conversation that I imagined many moms and daughters in the audience were having – at least not a verbal conversation. I had come with my close friend since the age of seven and her gorgeous soon-to-be eleven year-old daughter.  We met other mom-daughter duos there as well.  I chose not to sit with them once Rosalind initiated the one-minute conversation prompts, so as not to interfere with their mom-daughter time.  Instead, I had time with my own daughter.

I am grateful that there is a new book tour model out there – one that is interactive, not just the author reading excerpts and responding to questions.  Navigating the social demands of growing up, after all, or what Rosalind Wiseman says in her subtitle to Queen Bees – “helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends, and the new realities of girl world” – is too complicated (and important!) to do on one’s own.  Thanks for bringing us together, Rosalind Wiseman!

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