“Face it parents, you will be judged” is the message at the start of an article of 10 controversial parenting tips from an ABC correspondent in Phoenix, Arizona.
Four self-proclaimed parenting experts chime in with their opinions, sometimes agreeing and sometimes disagreeing, and almost always offering a slightly different way of looking at situations all parents face at some point in the parenting journey. There are questions about spanking, schooling, and teenage drinking, for instance.
It’s an interesting read. But at the end of the day, the person making the ultimate decision of what to do with your child is you. Yet, there are others around you, watching you (not to mention your kids needing you). As the author Eva Bowen eloquently states in her opening lines:
“Parents, listen up! It’s the first rule of parenting that every new parent will quickly learn: you WILL be judged by others.”
A confident Mama (and Dad), however, can deflect the annoying looks of others, perhaps even making the grumpy man on the plane laugh at your 5 year-old’s antics. A confident parent can also talk through other possibilities, and have the guts to try something new with his or her child. Confidence is a powerful thing. As is humor.
The Mommy Guilt Trap, according to child-education specialist, Ellen Galinsky arises when, in her words, “there is a clash between what we expect and what happens.” Interestingly literature scholars identify that time and place as a driving force of the story….it’s the place of drama. So, any one who thrives on drama, beware. You may find yourself attracted to the drama, thus keeping you in a place of lingering guilt.
These tid-bits, though, can help us figure out fantastic, do-able ways to avoid (getting stuck in) the Mama Guilt trap:
1) Tell stories. The best stories are truthful stories that show some vulnerability on your part, as well as signs of you working toward something better. The “signs” or evidence that you are working toward something better (such as your child being polite or your teen not back-talking you every chance she gets) may just be the fact that you are talking to a friend to seek out advice. When you tell a truthful story, you grant others permission to do the same….to talk, and not be perfect every moment of the day. And when you show that you are working toward something better, you are inspiring others to do the same.
2) Listen to stories. We can always learn something new from another person. Most of all, we can get out of our own heads, which is what we constantly need to do with our kids anyway. They’re not us. Practice listening, and you’re creating a space where others feel welcome…where they can just “be” as they are – not perfect, but still learning from mistakes and “getting better” along the way.
3) Hold onto your sense of humor. Take a step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all.
We don’t develop confidence on our own. We need each other, and can learn from each other. Best of all, we can inspire one another….to be real, to be fun, to be kind.
