Luke failed his first belt test at the Academy in January 2009.  His mom Jennifer e-mailed my husband (the Head of School) that evening thanking him for holding Luke to high standards.  She wrote:

“Thank you for helping us to teach Luke that there are times that he will have to work for something.  Until today he has never struggled to achieve anything.  Everything has always come very easily to him.  It was a bit of a shock for him to not pass his test.  I am however very impressed with his attitude.  By the time we drove home from [the Academy] he had devised his plan of action.  He had decided what steps he wants to take to prevent this outcome in the future and has a solid plan.  He told me that he was disappointed with himself and that he didn’t like that and doesn’t want to have that feeling again.  We had a good conversation about goals and what it takes to achieve them.  I am again very pleased with our choice of karate schools.”

With the help of the staff and his mom, Luke bounced back from that failed test.

A year and one-half later, he has a new challenge in front of him: disruptive kids in his classes.  It’s one thing to have high standards…it’s quite another to expect and need the other people around you to share those same high standards. A time, perhaps, for the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” His mom, though, didn’t ask for prayers…she asked for advice.  The instructors, the staff, the fellow parents…we can all share our expertise and experiences with her, and she can sort through the advice.  Jennifer – and Luke – are in charge.  We’re there to support them.  What a community.  Love this place!

Tweet This Post

Luke’s a great kid.   Super smart, as his mother glowingly attests to, respectful and focused.  He reads constantly, practices his karate, and wants to do well in school.  Most of all, he wants to learn.   As a third degree brown belt, he can protect himself well on the training floor – and is learning to protect himself in life.  Something he wants to protect himself from is disruptive kids.  At this point, though, he’s coming home from school feeling lost and sad.  He’s more and more despondent each day.  He’s carrying the agony of those disruptive kids with him all day long.  Luke can’t stand the fact that there are kids who don’t follow the rules and, worse, are disrupting his learning time.

Some of the suggestions that I – and the other moms at the table – shared with Jennifer:

1.  Set up a time to talk to his teacher.  Since parent-teacher classes are a week and a-half away, she may want to wait until that time – as long as Luke does not get any more despondent.  A tricky aspect of this situation is that Luke is having these problems in Art and Spanish – the two classes that his main homeroom teacher does not teach. Even so, his teacher needs to hear about Luke’s situation – what he is experiencing, how he is feeling, and that he doesn’t (yet!) feel comfortable leaving the noisy table and asking the teacher if he can switch seats.  This teacher can bring up the issue in the teacher team meetings.  She’s in a tricky situation too…she likely doesn’t want to blame her colleagues for not having control over their classes.  But the fact of the matter is something has to change.  The teachers along with their support staff can make some changes so that Logan feels more comfortable in class.  A key thing to ask the teacher(s) is what she (or they) want Luke to do when he is having these troubles? How, for example, would they prefer that Luke go about geting the teacher’s attention, speaking to the teacher, etc.

2.  Avoid blaming the teacher(s).  Instead, give and seek information.  Share what Luke is saying to you, and how he is acting after school with you.  Ask her if she is noticing the same things.

3.  Tell the teacher you want to help your son, and that you’d love some advice on how to help him advocate for himself….and advice on helping him not let those two classes ruin his entire day.

4.  Emphasize to Luke that those are two classes of many.  Prompt him to speak about what is going well in the other classes.

5.  Read Zen Shorts by Jon Muth with Luke.  In that picture book is a wonderful rendition of the popular Zen story about a monk who teaches his partner about the importance of letting go.  Use that story as a prompt for discussions about what Luke can let go of in relation to class disruptions, and how.  His parents and Luke can also talk about (and role model!) ways to get his teachers(s) to let him move seats, or get his peers to quiet down.

6.  Ask the teacher(s) if they will use a “private hand signal” with Luke…a signal that either the teacher or Luke can use to let each other know that Luke needs help quieting down his peers and/or that he is going to move to another table.  This would be a hand signal that no other student knows about.  Examples of a private signal: making a fist and moving it as if Luke or the teacher is knocking; shaking a hand while the pointer finger and pinky is up, tapping one’s cheek with his/her pointer finger.

There’s no magic bullet in parenting – as much as advertising claims about the latest and greatest learning products would like us to believe.  But there is “each other” – other moms, other dads, experts who have studied child development and classroom management, and most of all, you, the parent.  Trust your gut.

Tweet This Post

Sure, we can help our kids build excellent Homework Habits.  We can, for example, help them set up a study area in their room.  ScholarFit’s homework tip sheet is just the beginning…(and man, it’s a good beginning!).

I’m here, though, to remind you of something else….of a core lesson for all parents.

A wise mom of three ranging in age from 6 to 13 sent me an e-mail last spring after getting in a fight with her teenage son about his forgotten homework.  “He’s trying to get control, and any interference is met with serious reaction…..I really have to save up my credibility with him for super important things.”

Indeed!  We want our children to come to us when there is a bullying incident at school, when their friends pressure them to drink alcohol at a party, when they’re trying to select the best fit college for them, etc.

Promise me one thing.  With all the hustle and bustle of the new school year…with all its promises, its threats, and its pressures, be the ROCK your child needs.  A smiling rock of strength and joy.  A rock with ears, as strange as that may sound.  You will always be there to listen since you never know when your son or daughter will start sharing his or her fears and concerns.  “Do you want to vent?” Or, “do you want advice?” You may want to repeat those two responses to yourself, as you’ll be more inclined to use them when your child starts talking to you.  Those are the moments that help you build credibility with your child…the credibility, as Lisa wisely said, that will help you parent your child through “super important things” in life.

Homework IS important.  Homework HABITS are even more important.  And the most important of all – our relationship with our kids.  It’s a unique one.  We’re not their friend, per se.  We’re their parents.  Their rocks.

Tweet This Post

When I returned home on Wednesday night, I started to catch up on that weekend’s Sunday paper.  If you haven’t seen it yet, you may want to take a look at a thoughtful summary of a new wave in consumer research.  It’s an article about the links between our happiness and HOW we spend our money.  Creating memories, anticipating and saving for new experiences – these are the ingredients to a happy life.  I could be a case-study in that consumer research, as there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the experience of being with my college roommates and their respective clans has offered me a version of happiness that I cannot find or create anywhere else. May I figure out a way to nurture that happiness….and thus the friendships that were formed oh so many years ago in the halls of Elder dormitory in Evanston, Illinois.  Man, that was one ugly dorm.  But oh – the experiences inside…!  Still happening.

Tweet This Post

“One of the hardest things about motherhood is defining what success looks like to you.  We are each so unique, with different circumstances, needs & concerns.  The sooner you know what it is that makes you feel happy & successful as a mom, the sooner you will stop comparing yourself to every other mom.  Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself and to other moms as you work to achieve your definition of success”  From Inspiring Moms (FB & Twitter, July 26)

I, for instance, didn’t take a job at a big, prestigious foundation, nor did I pursue a principal licensure.  These were two visions I had for myself when I started my PhD program in 2004.  Things happened along the way, though – including meeting (or more technically speaking, re-meeting) my husband who leads a stellar Martial Arts Academy, having two darling daughters, and just all around enjoying the quality of life that comes from living in the Colorado Foothills.  Gone is the stability (and identity) that comes from being a part of an established organization. Sure, my family’s Martial Arts Academy is “established,” but it’s not yet the nationally recognized organization that I grew up looking up to, and wanting to be a part of.  Yet, this is an aspect of the Academy that also gets me up in the morning…the fun opportunities to build it and refine it, and to bring my own twist to it. Business leaders in our Colorado Business group have called us the ultimate “Mom & Pop Shop.”  Perhaps we are – but for some reason, I find that label to be denigrating to what we really do, and what we are working toward in our lives as educators.   I have to think through this some more….I still get so wrapped up into the illusion of status & national recognition.

The Martial Arts school is not some run-of-the mill school either.  It attracts some of the most down-to-earth families I know – interesting and diverse in their interests and backgrounds too.  They are committed to helping their children be responsible, fit, and caring.  Most of all, I’m with my kids, my husband, and our dreams. It’s fun to have a homebase too. I moved around so much before settling down in Colorado.  Seattle, San Francisco, western Masachusetts, Connecticut…the list goes on.  I’m home now – creating my own career, and my family’s own career-work balancing act.

Tweet This Post

Here’s a powerful video for you…from none other than my darling Siena Rose.  We were hiking up a canyon in Eldorado Springs in South Boulder this past weekend.   Somehow, this spirited two year-old figured out a way to make it up the mountain all the way on her own – through self-talk.  I’ll let you view the video on your own, and will share a few scholarly comments of my own.  You may just want to watch first – sit back and enjoy.

Awesome Self Talk: Identities are formed though multiple interactions that we have with other people as well as the ways that we talk and think about ourselves.  Siena started calling herself a “mountain climber.”  This very identity carries with it certain responsibilities, one of which is to go up a mountain. Siena prompted herself to “be” who she said she was – and that meant she had to do what mountain climbers do, climb mountains.

Next, a question.  How did this start?  Siena does not live in a vacuum.  She learned the term “mountain climber” from somewhere.  Her dad and I had not used the term earlier that day. But she went on a hike with friends a couple weeks ago, so maybe they used the term. Maybe they called her a “mountain climber.”  I don’t know…I just know not to think that Siena is some super child who figured out this positive self-talk on her own.  She learned it from somewhere.

We Applauded…She Continued: We (her dad and I) didn’t applaud per se…we didn’t reach out our hands and clap.  But we did give her positive recognition.  Brad grabbed the video camera, and she was on the spotlight to continue doing what she was doing – crawling up rocks, and stepping to the beat of her self-initiated mantra of who she was that day, a mountain climber.

We Intervened….She Latched On: There are two places in the video where I interject a comment.  The first, a little muffled, is when I said “I’m the bestest.” I was repeating something that she had been saying earlier in her mantra (“I am the bestest, bestest ever Mountain Climber.  I am a Mountain Climber.”  I was reinforcing something I saw as positive.  She didn’t repeat what “I” said at that time, but it’s still important to note that other people, and in this case her mom, was choosing what to reinforce (and what to ignore) about her mountain climbing identity.     The next time I intervened in this 26 second segment was when I asked her to hold her arms up and flex her muscles, as in the fun “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar” action.  She did it.  She smiled.  We all smiled.  But most of all, we reinforced something she was saying about herself….something positive that, thank goodness, got her up the mountain that day.

It was darn hot, and her dad didn’t want to keep carrying her in the backpack up the Towhee trail.  Fortunately, he did not have to.

Tweet This Post

Self-initiated “I-statements” from spirited Siena.  Her way to make it through the heat & up Towhee trail at Eldorado Springs in South Boulder.

When you go to bed tonight, or wake up tomorrow morning, perhaps ask yourself the same question Siena answered for herself:  I am a …… what do I want to be today?!?!

Tweet This Post

• Dry Erase Board paint. Mind you, I do not get any celebrity endorsements from IdeaPaint, or any other company.  Just hear me out….this is some cool stuff!  Worthwhile, too…as who really wants our kids to lock their wonderful thoughts away in their own brains.  Okay, maybe you don’t want to hear every one of your child’s new inventions, but why not give them a space to explore (and splatter thoughts all around) on their own?  With dry erase board paint, you (and your child) choose where & how big of a place for a plain white brainstorm/planning space.  It’s paint that transforms into a dry-erase board.  Paint on any surface – desks, walls, closet doors.  Just give it seven days to dry.

• Dry Erase Boards. They come in multiple sizes…and you don’t even need to buy the expensive ones.  My husband Brad & I bought a $12 panel for a shower stall at Home Depot, and put it up lengthwise in our downstairs hallway between our two offices.  I’ll post a picture later.  This was before we found out about the new IdeaPaint.  We also have large dry erase boards in each of our offices, and a few 2 feet by 3 feet ones for mobility-sake.

• Big Chart Paper. This can get expensive if wasted, but worth it when your child thrives on standing up while studying, using color and drawing diagrams.  Just hang a set of it from a $3 plastic over-the-door laundry hanger.  That way, you don’t even need to see if you are peering into the room from the hallway!

Let’s help create a world where our children really do have the space to explore, brainstorm, stand up, prioritize, and plan.  These are the action steps they’ll be taking for the rest of their lives….why not give them the tools (and space!) to do them well?!

Tweet This Post

Will it be the scholarly tool of support that the creators intend it to be?

Or will it merely reflect the part of schooling – the lesson plans, the teacher intentions, the grades – that students do not always “see themselves” in?

I will follow the development of this project…maybe I’ll even sign on once it’s available to the “older” generation.  Sure seems a lot more appealing to me than harvesting plants and baking apple pies in Farmville…but will the youth think the same?

As for lasting repercussions, one thing is for certain: our kids inhabit a virtual world that is changing each day, and has long ago crossed a line between schooling and home life.  Adults are trying to participate in this world – and even have a role in co-creating it – but ultimately, it’s the kids who will (or will not) be doing “their homework” on Facebook.

One more question:  Will the kids be exercising on Facebook too? Actually getting up and moving their bodies?  This new Homework on Facebook program (officially called Teach Ourselves) does not yet have a reminder clock telling kids to GET UP.  Stretch, do five jumping jacks, walk to the bathroom.  Once it has that reminder clock, I’ll definitely sign up. Our brains need (and deserve) a body supporting it that actually moves…thus giving our brain oxygen and even a jolt of inspiration.

Tweet This Post

• Trust the Process
• Reach Out
• Have the Guts to Say “No”
• Parent with Intention

That’s still a lot of adjectives.  How about….when all else fails:

• Do a jumping jack, grab a glass of wine & laugh at the absurdity of it all

Tweet This Post