Jennifer, a mom of a self-described “super smart, super geek” 7 year-old asked for advice last week about supporting her son through a terrible time at school. Her son Luke is having a hard time dealing with the fact that he, in his own words, “wants to learn” but is not able to because he’s stuck in a class with kids who talk all the time and disrupt the teacher. He can’t stand the fact that these kids “goof off” and, worse, share a table with him. Jennifer feels lost. When she was growing up, she was the “goof” who talked out of turn all the time. She had never put herself in the shoes of the student who wanted – and needed – to be around others who were quiet and respectful of the teacher and the class rules. Now, it’s her son in those shoes.
Luke’s a great kid. Super smart, as his mother glowingly attests to, respectful and focused. He reads constantly, practices his karate, and wants to do well in school. Most of all, he wants to learn. As a third degree brown belt, he can protect himself well on the training floor – and is learning to protect himself in life. Something he wants to protect himself from is disruptive kids. At this point, though, he’s coming home from school feeling lost and sad. He’s more and more despondent each day. He’s carrying the agony of those disruptive kids with him all day long. Luke can’t stand the fact that there are kids who don’t follow the rules and, worse, are disrupting his learning time.
Some of the suggestions that I – and the other moms at the table – shared with Jennifer:
1. Set up a time to talk to his teacher. Since parent-teacher classes are a week and a-half away, she may want to wait until that time – as long as Luke does not get any more despondent. A tricky aspect of this situation is that Luke is having these problems in Art and Spanish – the two classes that his main homeroom teacher does not teach. Even so, his teacher needs to hear about Luke’s situation – what he is experiencing, how he is feeling, and that he doesn’t (yet!) feel comfortable leaving the noisy table and asking the teacher if he can switch seats. This teacher can bring up the issue in the teacher team meetings. She’s in a tricky situation too…she likely doesn’t want to blame her colleagues for not having control over their classes. But the fact of the matter is something has to change. The teachers along with their support staff can make some changes so that Logan feels more comfortable in class. A key thing to ask the teacher(s) is what she (or they) want Luke to do when he is having these troubles? How, for example, would they prefer that Luke go about geting the teacher’s attention, speaking to the teacher, etc.
2. Avoid blaming the teacher(s). Instead, give and seek information. Share what Luke is saying to you, and how he is acting after school with you. Ask her if she is noticing the same things.
3. Tell the teacher you want to help your son, and that you’d love some advice on how to help him advocate for himself….and advice on helping him not let those two classes ruin his entire day.
4. Emphasize to Luke that those are two classes of many. Prompt him to speak about what is going well in the other classes.
5. Read Zen Shorts by Jon Muth with Luke. In that picture book is a wonderful rendition of the popular Zen story about a monk who teaches his partner about the importance of letting go. Use that story as a prompt for discussions about what Luke can let go of in relation to class disruptions, and how. His parents and Luke can also talk about (and role model!) ways to get his teachers(s) to let him move seats, or get his peers to quiet down.
6. Ask the teacher(s) if they will use a “private hand signal” with Luke…a signal that either the teacher or Luke can use to let each other know that Luke needs help quieting down his peers and/or that he is going to move to another table. This would be a hand signal that no other student knows about. Examples of a private signal: making a fist and moving it as if Luke or the teacher is knocking; shaking a hand while the pointer finger and pinky is up, tapping one’s cheek with his/her pointer finger.
There’s no magic bullet in parenting – as much as advertising claims about the latest and greatest learning products would like us to believe. But there is “each other” – other moms, other dads, experts who have studied child development and classroom management, and most of all, you, the parent. Trust your gut.
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