I often wonder why my daughter Siena behaves one way with her caregivers Ms. Debbie & Kiki and a completely different way with me. She hops into the car without a fuss when she’s with Ms. Debbie. She goes to bed in a matter of moments when she’s with Kiki. These are the two women who care for her…but I’m a woman who takes care of her too. Why be a pain in the butt with your mom, Siena, but be a perfect angel for everyone else?
The question has prompted me to take a deeper look into parent-child dynamics, and into ways that we can reframe what it means to be a “perfect parent” or a “perfect child.” Five key reminders include:
1. Humans are hard-wired to explore. We have brains that operate via electrical impulses that stimulate the activation and movement of neurons. Sometimes the neurons jump over pathways; other times they forge new pathways. Best of all, they are always reinventing themselves, and the brain –no matter what the age – is incredibly malleable. Children push boundaries (and their parents’ “buttons”) as a matter of exploration.
2. Adults are explorers too. Noticing Siena’s change in behavior prompts her dad and I to sort through possible reasons for it, including what we may need to change (e.g. be more consistent, use a friendly yet firm voice, etc) in order to support her in being able to be a kind and patient member of our family.
3. Parents are integrally involved in their children’s exploration of the world. Siena, for instance, wants to know how her parents will respond when she throws her yogurt on the floor. Our response is a part of her social world to which she is learning to adapt.
4. We don’t live in an isolated world, so thank goodness we are exposing Siena to other people and places. It’s a gift to Siena (and us) that Kiki and Ms. Debbie are co-creating spaces with her in which she is thriving, or at least is getting in her car seat without a fuss.
5. It’s important to take stock of our own expectations, including the false promise that our kids will be perfect every moment of the day.
Parents engage in the world with their children in so many different contexts – at the dinner table, at the grocery store, at the airport on our way to Grandma’s house. We do this over time, and no matter how little (or how often) we see our kids they are bound to annoy us, challenge us, frustrate us. But Siena’s also an angel with me. It’s just that those moments of joy and cooperation sometimes get overshadowed by her whining and stubbornness….or, put more aptly, by her experiments with going after something she thinks she wants.
