Back to our bullying story…told by my husband, Bully-Be-Gone Expert Master Brad Scornavacco.
A quick reminder about the initial problem. Five year-old Zander repeatedly felt threatened in his new class, and he regularly reported this to his parents.
His teacher responded to Alison’s (the mom’s) inquiry e-mail that none of the children was willing to take responsibility for the situation. Beware..this is an implicit BLAMING THE VICTIM, as it conveys the point that Zander too should take responsibility for being a part of an unsettling group of kids. The teacher had an interesting rationale. She said that at the beginning of Kindergarten, even if you see the interaction from beginning to end, you cannot get an upset boy to believe he could be part of the problem – because his feelings are hurt and he feels threatened. Perhaps. But how would the teacher know if all the kids felt threatened because only my nephew complained? The bullies don’t have a problem with the situation. Does the teacher really expect a bully to voluntarily take responsibility for picking on other kids? Mind-boggling.
The Justification came when the teacher said that two of the kids backed off when my nephew stood up to them. Only one boy continued with the verbal threats. And anyway, my nephew went on to have a good day after this run-in. Because Zander was resilient in front of his peers and teachers, being bullied is somehow ok?
Not surprisingly, the conflicts between 5 year-old Zander and three boys in the class continued….with a Minimizing – Blaming the Victim – Justification Approach by the adults in his life, how could we ever assume that it would just go away? Here’s a reminder of a few things to watch out for should you child or teen be involved in bullying events…a few questions to ask yourself in order to prepare for a truthful and helpful conversation with your child’s teacher (and school):
1) Is anyone MINIMIZING the situation? (And on the flip side, is anyone dramatizing the situation?). What are the facts? What is my child reporting to me? What is the teacher noticing?
- Hold fast to a Golden Rule: The person who is hit (literally or figuratively) is the judge if the contact is too hard, regardless of how hard the other person thinks he hit him. Pain – physical or emotional – is subjective. The “recipient” of the pain deserves our respect that he or she knows how much something hurts.
2) Is anyone BLAMING THE VICTIM? Sure, your child can be a part of the problem if he or she is taunting another child. But first things first. Get the facts. Bullies often don’t have a problem with a bullying situation. They’re not going to tell their parents or teachers that they are repeatedly threatening another child or teen.
3) Is anyone JUSTIFYING the situation? Just because a child or teen can regain his or her composure and go on to have a good day after a bullying incident does not mean that everything is okay. It’s our job as adults in the scenario to ensure that children (and teens) have the skills to protect themselves. It’s also our job to co-create social environments where no one feels the need to physically or verbally lash out on someone.
